A Cup of Quietness: What I learned about my wife from the Enneagram

One of the highlights of our Sabbatical last summer was being walked through our Enneagram profiles with our friends, Nick and Kim Bogardus. The Enneagram is a personality profile that has a particular interest in how people function relationally. Enneagram is quite the thing at the moment.  But I think it's a thing for a reason. It doesn't just analyze your personality. It shows you how you relate to people when you're under stress versus when you're not under stress. 

Nick and Kim use the Enneagram course with Cross Point, which focuses on how Christ can transform us to relate with health towards others within our unique personality design. They're close friends of ours, but they're also trained to coach married couples to be a more effective team through the Enneagram. We so appreciated their insight and skill as they coached us to understand ourselves and each other better. 

Now I don't want to bore you with our complex Enneagram profiles, but Rynelle is a high 9, which stands for The Peaceful Person. A high value for this person is maintaining an environment of peace. Among others, I am a high 3, which stands for The Effective Person.  A high value for this person is getting things done. We are both high 4's, which means we connect through a love for beauty and aesthetics. The problem is though, that my high 3 means that I don't savor beauty at the same place as my peaceful wife. For instance, we both love going to a beautiful restaurant to eat beautifully prepared food, but because I'm a 3, I'll gobble mine down in order to get on to the next course. Rynelle, rightfully so, will want to savor the ambience and every mouthful slowly,  repeatedly telling me to, 'Slow down, we've got nothing to rush to.' 

And as if that weren't bad enough, my high 3 generally has a bit of a  honey-do-list, especially when it comes to pastoral matters. "Have you called this person, love? Have you managed to see that person? How are things going for the ladies retreat? Would you mind doing the devotional at staff meeting tomorrow?" I also tend to invite people over spontaneously quite a bit, which means Rynelle has to scramble into hospitality mode at short notice. Because we are both 4's, we never want to host with paper plates and plastic cutlery either. It must be aesthetic. I didn't understand why my gracious and gentle wife was starting to dig in her heels. 

What I didn't realize was that in the quest to try and make her more effective, I was robbing her of the  thing she craved most: peace.  Nick and Kim's counsel to me was profound. "You take care of the environment of your home, making sure it's a place of peace, and Rynelle will be more effective than ever." This was one of my pledges to her coming back from sabbatical, and honestly it's proven to be true. Plus, we feel like we've found us again, not just functioning side -by-side, but connecting face-to-face. So thankful for wise friends and for Jesus who continues to renew us.  

So, on our 24th anniversary this week, I wrote her a short poem about my pledge to celebrate and honor her as an Enneagram 9.

                  A Cup of Quietness

A cup of quietness, is better than two cups full of toil,

Your hands of kindness, lifting me up from the thorn-choked soil, 

Poured the water over, when I got burned by the midnight oil,

A cup of quietness, is better than two cups full of toil. 

A cup of quietness, early in the morning through the porch window,

That’s the way I love you, sitting in the light of heaven’s glow,

A steadied beauty, ready with grace for the high and low,

Your cup of quietness, I’m fighting for the day that it overflows. 

Stronger: milestones, running repairs and finding our stride in 2018

For our church, 2017 was a year of some significant milestones. For starters, we celebrated our 50th birthday with a grateful gathering of friends from across the miles and the decades. What a memorable weekend celebrating the faithfulness of God! Our birthday was marked most notably by the adoption of Park Christian Fellowship into our family, and the subsequent re-launch of Southlands Chino in September. I still smile when I think about the ways in which our Father orchestrated this adoption. He is so kind, and the good people of Park have been one of His best gifts to us as an integral part of this thriving community. 

The Southlands Chino launch crowned an intense season of multiplication during which we were able to achieve our 3 in 3 vision of multiplying 3 times in 3 years. This vision was strongly supported by a capital campaign called the Jubilee Campaign, aimed at getting rid of our debt and building a church planting war chest. Yet again, God moved powerfully and the church responded with massive faith and generosity, enabling us to complete the campaign with a surplus. God's hand has been so clearly on this multiplication journey that 3 in 3, is in actual fact 4 in 4. From being one church in one location four years ago, we now exist as one church in four communities, as well as having planted One Light Church in Chiang Rai, Thailand, which is flourishing. These milestones are cause for great celebration. Heartfelt gratitude to our great God! He is so good.

The thing is though, that whether you're running, driving or journeying as a church,  milestones mean you've done some mileage, which means you have some wear and tear. Milestones are therefore not just cause for celebration. They're also cause for some running repairs. They're cause to catch your breath and ask, what needs to be strengthened for the next leg of the journey? 

Our team of elders took some time out in the Fall of '17 to pray and plan for the coming year and sensed the Lord speak to us about a season of strengthening from this well worn passage in Isaiah 40.

 “Do you not know, have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to Him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up on wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." 

The everlasting God never faints, but rather gives power to those who are fainting, renewing their strength. The prophet Isaiah points to at least 4 ways in which God wants to make  His people stronger  and this is what we will give ourselves to in 2018.

1.  Biblical Devotion “The grass withers and flowers fade, but the Word of the Lord will stand forever.” V 8

Amidst the withering fads of our post-truth world, we want to build a people who confide in God's forever Word. We want to strengthen our knowledge of the Word, but most of all we want to encounter Jesus, the Living Word, in the pages of God's written Word. This is the heart of biblical devotion. There's been an overwhelming response to the launch of our CBRjournal groups across the church to strengthen our community Bible reading. So far, we've sold almost 700 journals and launched around 50 CBR online communities.  Of course the numbers are encouraging, but we are trusting God for a growing culture of faith and obedience to His Word. 

2.   Evangelistic Boldness “Go on up to a high mountain, O Zion, herald of good news, lift up your voice with strength.” v 9

Isaiah was foretelling the bold ministry of John the Baptist who would prepare the way of the Lord by preaching repentance. There is a call to all God's people to lift up our voices with strength as heralds of the good news. God saves, but how will people know unless they have heard? Over the past few years we've strengthened our missional muscle - that is, our practice of hospitality, mercy and justice initiatives and  relational rhythms with those who are not yet believers. This has borne significant fruit. However, we've realized that building missional bridges still requires us to open our mouths at some point and speak about the gospel. We are not as strong in evangelistic boldness and practicing spiritual gifts outside the church walls as we are at missional rhythms. We want to give ourselves to the former this year without neglecting the latter. We've made a point of inviting evangelists in from outside Southlands this year to equip us for evangelistic boldness and skill. We'll also continue with our Alpha course, trusting the Spirit for his empowering on this proven evangelism forum.

3. Pastoral Care “He will tend his flock like a shepherd, he will gather the lambs in his arms, he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are young.” V 11

By its nature, multiplication is disruptive to a family. Have you ever met any parents who've had 4 children in 4 years? Their family may have grown wonderfully, but it'll never be the same! We're not trying to return to what we were, but we do want to give ourselves to strengthen our culture of pastoral care through training new leaders, launching new life groups, and investing in the quality of our pastoral forums. We want to draw people into community in both formal and informal ways. We want our community to challenge the comfortable and comfort the challenged. 

4.   Reverent Worship “To whom then will you liken God, or what will you compare to Him? An idol!...But those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength they will rise up on wings as eagles. v 18

Worshipping a transcendent God who sits enthroned above the nations strengthens us in a time of turbulence and uncertainty. It also calls us to repent of worshipping idols, reminding ourselves that we are in the world but not of it. I believe we are in for a season of reverence in worship, where we recognize again the incomparable goodness of our God and gaze upon His holiness. Reverence is not hiding in fear. It is humble intimacy with the Creator, exchanging our strength for His, repenting of self-reliance. It is waiting for the updrafts of His Spirit's as we mount on wings like eagles. It's learning to fly without too much flapping!  

These are four areas in which we are asking, "Lord, Please renew our strength so that we can run and not grow weary." Let's trust Him to help us find our stride after a year of great milestones. 

Tonight we will gather for Community Prayer at Southlands Brea to pray along these lines. Join us at 6:30pm in the Loft.  

What I Really Learned at Seminary.

To be honest, while I'm relieved to have received my masters degree in theology and thankful that my thesis was well received, graduating has all felt a bit anti-climactic. It's been eight years, thousands of dollars and hours, and a fair few tears along the way. I've found myself asking whether it was all worth it. My family have paid a massive price having me tucked away in my office for so many late nights. My youngest son Levi has only ever known me as a Dad who works long days and studies most nights. I don't think the words cum laude on the certificate that will hang on my wall can make up for the many hours that he could have been playing soccer in the yard with me. I think my church has benefited broadly from the study because it's sharpened me as a preacher and leader, but my 180 page thesis which took 4 years to research and write, may never be read by anyone except my Dad. (Thanks Dad.) 

So what makes this all worth it? Why would one study theology for that long and what does one really learn that applies to real life and work? 

Well, for me, there were at least 5 valuable lessons.

1. I learned to love God with my mind. 

I don't aspire to be the stuffy academic type - tweed jacket with elbow patches and pipe. I'm a heart guy. I feel deeply. I'm a strength guy. I like to get things done. But there's another part of the Great Commandment, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your mind,' that I've learned to obey better these last eight years. I've learned that clear, wise, Biblical thinking is part of the way we are called to love God. God is not glorified by falsehood or foolishness, no matter how passionate or energetic we are. God is wise and he wants His people to be wise about His Word and His world. Leaders in the Church should be able to guard sound doctrine, refute heresy and give reason for the hope of the gospel. That requires a clear head. God forbid that I have a swollen head and a hollow heart. But neither do I want a swollen heart and a hollow head. 

2. I learned I was an expert on Model and a novice on Message

I spent my formative ministry years as a leader in a movement that taught me a lot about a  model of doing church. We were big on building healthy cultures of leadership, prayer, worship and community. We taught on how to raise up leaders, work as a team, practice spiritual gifts and plant churches. So much of what I learned I still carry with me today.  But what I began to realize was that I was an expert on church model and a novice on the message of Christ. I remember an amazing man called Michael Eaton saying to our leaders in 2008, "Your tribe has an over-realized ecclesiology (model) and an under-realized Christology." (Christ and His message) I was stopped dead in my tracks. Perhaps I'd become a model pharisee?  I am still passionate about church model, but I hope I am now more passionate about Jesus and His gospel. All church models are not equal, but no model is a silver bullet. It cannot save. It is only the power of the gospel that saves. And God also seems quite happy to work powerfully through church models that seem less Biblical than mine. How inconsiderate of Him!

3. I learned that God is in the details

I've never been all that great at details. I'm more of a big picture guy. So the pedantic nature of academic writing, referencing and citing was infuriating to me. The endless corrections on dates and bibliographies and quotations, and grades taken off for incorrect line spacing felt completely divorced from reality! Here I was  leading a growing multi-site church as well as traveling the world helping other churches, and I had to make sure my margin indents were properly justified! But I began to realize that having an eye for details was actually very connected to reality and that my lack of attention to detail sometimes hurt my credibility in reality. Get a quote or fact or verse wrong in the pulpit, even if it is minor, and people can begin to question the bigger things you say. I still think academia is pedantic, but I'm glad it forced me to realize that God is in the details. 

4. I learned to Reason with differing ideas instead of simply Denouncing them

One of the things that theological study forces you to do is to take seriously ideas that challenge yours. I know that some seminaries are so critical that students end up losing any prior faith they had and that seems tragic. Pay thousand of dollars to become a cynic? My seminary was not like that, but it did force me to consider other angles and to reason with other ideas instead of simply denouncing them. By the time I presented my thesis I realized I had become more sure of what I believed because I had had to defend it critically against other  schools of thought. I believe this skill of engaging reasonably with different ideas instead of denouncing them is greatly needed in our pluralistic world. We need less heat and more light in our civil discourse with each other. 

5. I learned Resilience 

I hope I'm not being overly dramatic  but with the relentless pressure of deadlines and balancing work/family/study over eight years, I felt at times like I was doing violence to my soul. It didn't help that I was doing distance education and never once had a conversation with another student in eight years. All of my correspondence with professors was via email, with the exception of two Skype calls that whole time. I would never recommend that to anyone. I missed the comeraderie of fellow students and there were many times that I wanted to give up. If it wasn't for my wife's constant encouragement, as well as that of my parents and supervisor, Vernon Light (I still think he may be a guardian angel), I think I  would have quit. But above all, the sustaining grace of Jesus was so real on this epic marathon. He enabled me to persevere through exhaustion and discouragement, and in doing so built resilience into my soul. I hope that resilience will spill over into every facet of my life.

Of course, I also hope that my specific area of research will benefit our church and many churches beyond us. I also hope to write a book to make my research more accessible.  But if for some reasonI none of this happens, I feel that these lessons I've learned have made the process all worthwhile. But you'll have to ask my wife if she agrees.